Today I only did one thing right.
All day.
Just one thing.
I did an overwhelming amount of things wrong.
It was just one of those days when the cards seemed stacked against me.
One of those days when everything screams "you are failing motherhood."
This isn't good, because motherhood is pretty much the only thing I've got going on.
If I'm failing this, well ....you get the implications.
Time just sped up to lightening speed when the kids walked in the door.
My dinner was time consuming.
Luke forgot to turn in his homework.
Olivia did horrible on her spelling test.
And neither of them cared.
Sophie Kate cut holes in her new pants ( I know, I know why does this child still have access to scissors?)
Grace actually cried....for the first time. ever.
All this was going on as I chased the kids around trying to get them to do their homework and practice guitar, and for heavens sakes not throw things at each other.
It was chaos.
I wondered where their mother was.
Or if they'd ever had one.
In the midst of the chaos Ben called.
And he told me he was never coming home.
OK, so he said nine o' clock.
He might as well have said never.
I felt myself breaking.
So I turned up the music as loud as I could and I danced with my baby until she stopped crying.
Then I danced with each of my kids until their arms were too tired to throw things.
I danced until the tears stopped running down my cheeks.
Then I turned off the radio.
And I ran as fast as I could up the stairs and put them in bed.
I gave them no time to break this tiny spell of peace.
If they tried to talk to me I said "no, no no speaking. I will talk to you tomorrow."
"but mom"
"no, no. hmmmmmmmm. (fingers in ears)
Childish? yes.
Desperate? absolutely.
But after all my failures, I desperately needed a victory.
And bedtime was going to be it.
I was winning this one.
The final tally for the day was defeating.
It was a landslide.
Life beat me on every count.
I had only one small thing on my side.
One tiny victory.
I danced with my baby.
And she laughed.
It was enough.
Enough to remind me why I love this.
Enough to keep me going.
Even though I'm not very good at it.
Sometimes my weaknesses are blinding.
The kind of blinding that seems to illuminate everyone else's strengths,
and blocks my own.
I can only thank heaven that it's not a competiton.
Because I'm out of my league.
And lucky for me The Ref is clearly biased.
And He told me I can try again tomorrow.
Which is awfully kind.
He seems to have some sort of confidence in me.
I seem to lack it in myself.
I certainly don't feel worthy of it.
Nevertheless, I trust Him.
Game on.
8 comments:
TOTALLY with you on this. I have these DAYS way too often. You have the amazing ability to write the way I feel in words! Thank you for expressing my days that I have ALL the time.
You're amazing Carly. Seriously, the thing that gets me through tough days are knowing that there's always tomorrow. And sleep. You can never get enough of that stuff either. :)
Oh, I need to read this post when I am having these days! I can get so hopeless. Doing one thing right is awesome, definitely will have to remember this one. Great post!
Not true. You accomplishes a lot more then that! May I remind you - you made a delicious dinner and dropped it off at my house. And made four tired people very happy...and full. And I love you.
I love how you write! It's so funny because pretty much all the things you feel... I feel too. I just don't know the right way to say it.
You're hilarious and I love reading your blog!
Kamie
I feel just like Grace looks in that picture! Beautiful words--as alway! You inspire me.
Carly, I have to admit, You seriously brought tears to my eyes, cause I relate to the way you are feeling and the completely overwhelming job that motherhood is. I commend you for dancing and turning your rough night Into a positive experience. That is something I will tuck up my sleeve and hopefully use on those nights when i want to lock everyone in there rooms at 5:00, the witching hour, and go to my room and just cry. Thank heavens for a new day, And the short term memory of children and their eternal love. Cheers to motherhood, the mothers who raised us and to our time in the trenches, and the blessing our daughters will have. It's the hard that makes it worth it.
Bless you all, you are the kind of women I want to be. Your kind words were like a balm to my heart, thank you.
Ditto and ditto and AMEN!!! I love this post, because it is reality. It is what it is to be a mom. You feel like a failure 99% of the time. I'm just glad that other moms feel like that! Thanks for being so eloquent in your writing, you made me happy and I needed that today!
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