We do this in the evenings.
Mostly for him.
That boy of mine that is so fiercely connected to the outside world.
It's his light at the end of the tunnel of sorts.
The tunnel of school and homework.
It's hard for him, school.
It's hard for me to write that it's hard for him.
He is so fiercely connected to me.
He is so deep in my heart.
I adore him.
It's been hard for me to understand the feelings rolling around inside of me these past few months. Harder still to find the words.
A little like fishing in the dark.
Trying to wade through the confusion, past the frustration and through the weeds of pride.....those sticky ones that pull at me, make me feel like it's my fault, or his fault. They tangle me up in fear of judgment for him and to be honest...me.
They keep me from accepting the bottom line of a diagnosis like ADHD.....what he needs.
Because I know he needs me.
My prayers.
My patience.
Which to be honest seems a lot to ask of me right now.
It's hard to see your child struggle.
For a mother it's a knife in the heart.
I'm desperate to take the frustration from him.
That frustration....I don't understand it.
But I understand him.
He wants to be good.
He wants to do well.
He wants it to be easier.
My heart breaks a little each time we sit and talk about his struggles, his grades and test scores. No matter how I say it, I know he hears failure.
It's a gift to me that his teacher is who she is. I love her. She loves him. We need the support and I've found it in those I've confided in. It's a blessing.
I feel defeated with this sort of a problem. Give me a broken leg and tell me how to fix it, but this stuff? This untangible stuff. The problems you can't xray. The ones that don't go away.
The ones that follow you for the rest of your life.
The ones you have to learn to carry, and work with and cope with.
I don't want him to carry something so heavy.
I want so much to carry it for him
I watch him sleep at night and I see all that he is.
So much more than all of this.
But that small part blocks what he sees.
His strengths, his heart, his goodness.
I'm not sure how to help him.
That's the hardest part.
So I just love him.
And we take him frog hunting.
Because out there it all melts away.
And he can breathe.
And he is Luke.
3 comments:
You feel about this exactly how it seems a good mom would. Luke is such an awesome kid....nothing changes that. Sometimes parenting feels heavy though eh? Sometimes it makes you think those earlier decisions that we stress over like when to start solids or what diaper cream works best ect seem like cake. Things just start being more weighty as they are become their own person and head out into the world each day. Keep up the good perspective....Heavenly Father knew Luke would need you and Ben specifically as his parents!
Love you and that boy too!
Casey
This was beautifully written! Lots of love to you, Luke and your whole family. :) I wish we could go frog fishing with you.
Beautifully written is right and beautifully lived is your life. Just like in nature, you always find in your children that which is to be celebrated. I love you for it and so does your adventurous, fabulous Luke.
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