This past month has been hard. Really hard. I'd say I spent 98% of it face down on the carpet.
And I live in a rental house so you can imagine how I must have been feeling for that to be an option. Two bouts of the flu on top of pregnancy just about did me in. Absolutely miserable.
It didn't help that it was January, I mean we don't get along as it is but this one just cemented my disdain. There is something about winter days, not the snowy, woodsey, fun ones, but the long, gray, dead ones. My soul is so completely connected to the outside world that when nature seems dead I feel it in my bones. The trees are just empty shadows of what they once were, the grass is flat and unmoving, life itself is hibernating, buried deep beneath the earth and the sun just pulls the clouds up over it's face lacking the energy to warm it all up. I feel that lack of energy start to sink into me and forced to stay inside for days on end, I lose a part of myself. I'm not meant to be closed in.
The sad thing is, it has been like in the 50's all winter. I mean extremely mild as far as winters go, but I think the whole limbo of it all just gets to me.......it doesn't snow, it doesn't turn to spring, it just sits there........gray, and dead and weirdly not cold, just wet and blah.
Ok the flu probably has a lot to do with the blah part.
I'm not the only one who has suffered this month. Not only did poor Ben have to play the part of a single parent but the best conversation I could offer him all month went like this........
Me: " So I'm probably dying right now."
Him: "I'm sorry."
My sweet Olivia probably had it the worst. Honestly everyone should have an almost 9 year old girl in their lives when they're sick. She got up everyday and made breakfast for all the kids, got her and Luke dressed and ready for school, came home from school and did the dishes, swept the floors, made sure all the homework was done, made dozens of quesadillas, got everyone ready for bed and then asked me if there was anything she could do to help. I was an odd mixture of proud, grateful and guilt-ridden. She's amazing.
To everyone else I was just a lame mom. I really hate being lame. I pride myself on not being lame. I mean I drop the ball on a lot "good mother/ homemaker" things but I could always say at least I was fun.
This month during every "hide and seek in the dark" game we played I found the nearest bed and hid under the blankets, meanwhile Ben carried all 4 squealing scared kids around on his head through the house. At one point Luke asked me if my plan was to just always hide on his bed......but I didn't hear him because I was asleep.
As far as the little girls, well we moved the trampoline back into the house a few months ago and what made me seem like the coolest mom in the world last year now just seems like a massive cage that I put them on to keep them occupied......occasionally throwing snacks up at them to keep them there, like some animals at the zoo.
January has been rough. But I promise children, spring will come again. Brimming with life and energy. Your mother is not dead, she's just hibernating......and cursing her once strong immune system that seems to be failing her. Move along January, we are quite done with you.
6 comments:
I hear ya, November was like this for me. I spent the entire month on the couch dying or hovering over the toilet releasing my insides. Not to mention we got the flu twice, everyone. Nate has picked up a lot as far as duties go as I have had the same dying conversation with him. I no longer feel like the lame dead mom, I just feel like the lame mom that doesn't want to leave the house because the weather is so... stagnant. However I am in nor rush for spring, summer follows and thats a new leaf for us on many levels.
With that said, your awesome, my kids would love a tramp in the house, or even a trip or two to the Y. You're doing it all with 4 other kids, I barely made it through with 2, which therefore means your more awesome than me!
Congrats by the way!
Thanks mallory, though knowing all you do I'm not even close to awesome. your story about Sage made me sick to my stomach, I'm so glad he is ok. I hear ya on stagnant weather but even with the threat of humidity I would still take spring any day it wants to come!
Amen! Move along January.
I hope your feeling better. Nothin like being pregnant and sick! yuck! But tramp in the house, that is totally awesome and you definitely get the awesome mom points on that!!!
Sorry it was so rough for you! At least we are half way through the two most terrible months of the year! Hang in there!
Face down on rental carpet says it all honey! Wowsers, no wonder you were on my mind. Glad we could chat for real this week. All I know is that my kids eat a lot of quesadillas when I'm prego too. And when I'm not, for that matter. It's a pleasant thought that I can train Ayva up to handle those and other tasks. I see Good parenting here if you ask me. The pics of your kids under their names over there are so darn cute it makes me glad you're having another.
Just re-read your posts from January and February 2008. That's right, 2008. Made me smile and laugh all over again. Take a stroll down that blog lane. Spring will pop into your heart...at least for a little while. Hugs to you and that darling family of yours.
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